Overheard at Riverdale

3rd grader: My boyfriend bought me ten bouquets of roses, a pearl necklace, some Dior perfume, and a Gucci purse!

11th grader: My boyfriend gave me his old Halloween candy.

Student 1: Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. It’s so romantic, and it’s a great way to show love for other people…

Student 2: Yes, I’m so ready to receive all my candy grams!

Student 1: Don’t you love all of the fun traditions Riverdale has for Valentine’s Day?

Student 2: No. I was actually just cogitating over the way this festivity has vitiated ingenuous affection and substituted it with performative, two-dimensional, materialistic, and exclusive practices.

Student 1: …

Student 1: What day is Valentine’s Day?

Student 2: The day my English essay is due.

Student 1: Why are you buying so many candy grams?

Student 2: Well, I was going for nonchalance by giving one to everybody, but I guess this is having the opposite effect…